PROGRAM #2

                        REHEARSAL SCRIPT

                        REVISED 23 April 2002

 

 

 

AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY

LUCKY STRIKE

THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM

 

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1951   CBS      4:00 – 4:30 PM PDT

 

 

 

 

 

Revised:  May 26, 2002

 

 

 


(FIRST ROUTINE)

 

(OPENING MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

 

DON:      THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, AND “YOURS TRULY”, DON WILSON.

(APPLAUSE)

DON:      AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE BRING YOU THE STAR OF OUR SHOW..THE MAN WHO WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL BALLAD..”TOO YOUNG”..AND HERE HE IS..JACK BENNY!

(APPLAUSE)

JACK:      Thank you, thank you, thank you…Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking.  And Don, that was a very clever introduction, so I think it’s only fair that I tell the audience that you, too, were the inspiration for a song.

DON:      Me?

JACK:      Yes.  My Truly Truly Fat…Don, here it is only the second program of the season…and already you have to give me a sarcastic introduction.

DON:      Sarcastic?  Jack, believe me, I didn’t mean it to be.

JACK:       Oh, you didn’t mean it to be…Well look, Don, we have a long show to do tonight, so let’s—

DON:      Jack, if I had any idea that you would misconstrue what was meant to be a compliment, I certainly wouldn’t have said it.

JACK:      Okay, okay, let’s forget it…And now, ladies and gentlemen, since we’re going to do a very important—

DON:      Jack, I can’t forget it.

JACK:      Don..

DON:         I wouldn’t say anything to hurt you for the world.

JACK:       All right.

DON:         In fact, when I thought of that introduction, I told it to my wife.  And she said, “Donald, that’s beautiful.  I’m so glad you’re not going to say anything to make that old goat unhappy.”

JACK:      What?  Don, your wife called me an old goat?

DON:      Well…

JACK:      Don, does your wife know about the new contract I gave you?

DON:      Well Jack, it’s not so different.  I’ve always worked from week to week.

JACK:      Well, this year you’re working from word to word.  I can fire you between L S and M F T…Now go and sit down.

DON:      Wait a minute, Jack.

JACK:      Huh?

DON:         If you feel that my services are no longer needed on this program, just say the word and I’ll go.

JACK:      Don, forget it.. Sit down, will you?…Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we’re going to do a very important----Oh, hello, Mary.

MARY:      Hello, Jack.  I’m sorry I’m late.

JACK:      That’s all right.

MARY:      I’ll tell you what happened.  I was driving down Sunset Boulevard.. I made a left turn from the wrong lane and a cop stopped me.

JACK:       No kidding.. did you get a ticket?

MARY:      Well, he was going to give me one, but I talked him out of it.. I told him I was a working girl and I didn’t have much money.. and right now it was especially tough on me because I was sending my brother through college.

JACK:      Well, did he believe that?

MARY:      He didn’t seem to, so I opened my purse to show him my brother’s picture.. but I was so nervous I showed him a picture of my Sister Babe.

JACK:       Oh, then you were really in trouble.

MARY:      No, it worked.

JACK:      Now wait a minute, Mary.  I know we kid a lot about Babe, but don’t tell me that when you show someone a picture of her, they would mistake her for a man.

MARY:      (LAUGHING) Well, fortunately, Jack, when this picture was taken, Babe had just come home from a football game and was still wearing her helmet.

JACK:      Oh.. well, I imagine that broken nose helped a little too…..Anyway, Mary, I’m glad you didn’t get a ticket…And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction---

DON:      I’VE GOT MY PRIDE, YOU KNOW.

JACK:      What?…Oh, Don, forget it.

DON:         I won’t forget it.  If I’m not wanted on this program, I’ll leave.

MARY:      Jack, what’s wrong with Don?

JACK:       It’s nothing.

DON:      Nothing, he says.. and after all I’ve done for him.

JACK:      Huh?  Now just hold it a minute, Don.. what have you ever done for me?

DON:         I’ll tell you what I’ve done for you.. I’ve been on this program seventeen years.. and for seventeen years I’ve been eating and eating and stuffing myself just so you can do jokes at my expense.

JACK:      What?

DON:      How many laughs would you get if I weren’t a big fat slob?

JACK:      Don Wilson, I’ve never called you that.

DON:      Well, you’ve thought it many a time.

MARY:      Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

JACK:      Ashamed of myself?  For what?  I knew this whole thing would be twisted around where it would all be my fault.

DENNIS:   My mother hates you, too.....Oh, hello, Mr. Benny.

JACK:      Hello Dennis....this doesn’t concern your mother and it doesn’t concern you either.  This is just between Don and myself.

MARY:      Wait a minute, Jack.  What concerns one member of the cast concerns all of us.

JACK:      Look, Mary, you can keep out of this, too.

DON:      Wait a minute. .you can’t talk to Mary like that.

JACK:       Oh, I can’t, eh?  Well, let me tell you something—

PHIL:      Hold it, hold it, hold it.. Stop this bickering.

JACK:      Huh?

PHIL:      (CALMLY AND FATHERLY) We’ve got to stick together…we’re still in radio.

JACK:      Phil, this whole thing is Don’s fault.  He not only made me a sarcastic introduction, but now he tells me that I owe my whole career to him.. that if he didn’t eat and get fat, I would have no show at all.

PHIL:      Well, Jackson, Donzy’s got a point there.

JACK:      What?

PHIL:      Look what I have to do to live up to the character you gave me.

JACK:      Look, Phil –

PHIL:         Do you think I like to drink?

JACK:      Huh?

PHIL:         Do you think I like to spend my time in pool rooms and cocktail bars and staggering home at four o’clock in the morning…Do you think I enjoy that?

JACK:      Hmm…I see…Phil, you mean to say you do all this just for my program?

PHIL:      That’s right.

JACK:      Well, then let me ask you something.. We weren’t on the radio last night.. so how come I saw you lying in the gutter?

PHIL:      Rehearsal, Dad, rehearsal.

JACK:      (SARCASTIC)  Well, Phil, in that case, I owe you an apology.. Is there anything I can do to make amends?

PHIL:      Well, that all depends...What does amends mean?

JACK:       Oh, never mind…Now look, kids, I’ve listened to all your complaints.. Don claims he stuffs himself at the table so he can be fat for my program.. Phil claims he drinks a lot so he can remain in character just for my show.. Well, let me tell you something.. I make sacrifices, too, to get laughs… Do you think it’s easy for me to be stingy and cheap?

                  (LONG PAUSE.. JACK LOOKS AT AUDIENCE AND LOOKS BACK)

MARY:      Well.. this is a loyalty test if I ever heard one.

JACK:      Never mind.  Now Dennis, it’s time for your song.  What are you going to sing?

DENNIS:      Clancy Lowered the Boom.

JACK:      Good.

DENNIS:   I was gonna sing “Too Young” but I didn’t want to start another fight.

JACK:       All right, sing anything.

(APPLAUSE)

(DENNIS’S SONG)

(APPLAUSE)


(SECOND ROUTINE)

JACK:      That was “Clancy Lowered the Boom“ sung by Dennis Day…And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our---

DENNIS:      Well, that’s certainly a fine way to start a season.

JACK:      What?

DENNIS:   I just sang a song and you didn’t even compliment me.

JACK:       Oh yes, Dennis, you did sing a song…I’m sorry.

DENNIS:      Some compliment.

JACK:      Anyway, Dennis, I don’t have to compliment you every time you sing a song.  After all, you’re getting paid, aren’t you?

DENNIS:   No.

JACK:      What do you mean, no?

DENNIS:      That’s why I have to wear these old clothes all the time.

JACK:      What are you talking about? Don’t I send you a check every week?

DENNIS:   Uh huh.

JACK:      Well, what do you do with the money when you cash them?

DENNIS:      Ooooh, cash them!

JACK:      Mary, give me an Alka Seltzer.

MARY:      Well Jack, I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of everybody, but since we’re on the subject, I’d like to talk about the check you sent me last week.

JACK:      What about it.

MARY:      It bounced.

JACK:      Bounced!  You mean it came back marked Insufficient Funds?

MARY:      No, Improper Signature.

JACK:       My check?  Why I remember signing it Jack Benny.

MARY:      I know, but you left off “Star of Stage, Screen, and Radio.”

JACK:       Oh yes, that’s my commercial account.  Now let’s get on with the program…unless the delegate from Encino has a complaint.  Anything wrong with your check, Phil?

PHIL:         No, I just show it to Alice, we have a good laugh, and that’s the end of it.

JACK:      Phil.. Phil.. Alice can laugh at Nelson Rockefeller's checks… Believe me.  Now kids, let’s drop all of these arguments and get on with the program….Now ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we’re going to do a dramatic play…Our version of Warner Brother’s great Technicolor production.. Captain Horatio Hornblower.

MARY:      Jack, I saw that picture and it was really exciting.

JACK:       I know.. Now, in our sketch, I am going to play the part of Captain Horatio Hornblower.

DENNIS:      Naturally!

JACK:      Hmmm…Look Dennis, the only reason I’m playing the leading role is because I used to be in the Navy.

DENNIS:   I was in the Navy too and I was an officer.

JACK:      That’s right, Dennis.. you were an officer.. and you know, until two weeks ago when they signed the peace treaty, I never believed we won the war…Now Mary, you’re going to play the part that Virginia Mayo played in the picture.

MARY:      Oh.. Lady Barbara.

JACK:      That’s right.. And towards the end of our sketch, I nurse you through a siege of Yellow Fever.. during which you fall hopelessly and madly in love with me…Now do you know why you fall in love with me?

MARY:      Yes.. when I was delirious, you looked like Tyrone Power.

JACK:      Thank you...No, that’s not it at all…Anyway, you’re Lady Barbara, and you were sent on a special mission by the Duke of Wellington.

PHIL:      Hey, he’s got a great orchestra.

JACK:      THAT’S DUKE ELLINGTON!

PHIL:         Oh.

JACK:      And Phil.. you’re going to be the first mate on my ship.. and Don, you’re going to play the part of an Admiral.

DON:      Well, an admiral…that sounds real important.

JACK:       It is, Don…and you’re going to be one of the biggest admirals.. you have a nineteen inch screen.

DON:         I wouldn’t be able to play that part if I didn’t stuff myself just for you.

JACK:      Never mind.. don’t do me any favors.. I’ll change that part.. You’ll just be a member of my crew…And finally we come to you, Dennis.

DENNIS:   It’s about time.

JACK:      Dennis, you’re going to play the part of El Supremo.

DENNIS:   El Supremo?

JACK:      Yes, he’s an unscrupulous, power-mad, ruthless, bloodthirsty cut-throat who’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants.

DENNIS:      Gee, that’s my agent.

JACK:      No!  It’s just a coincidence…El Supremo happens to be a Spanish Rebel…Now Don, set the scene for our play.

DON:      Okay.. (VERY DRAMATIC)  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE TIME OF OUR PLAY IS THE YEAR EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND SEVEN----

 

SFX 01  Telephone rings  (Let’s have the local phone company make up an old phone with a bell ringer and remote pushbutton!)

JACK:      Hold it, Don, just a minute.

SFX 02  Pick up handset!  

JACK:      Hello?

ROCH:      HELLO, MR. BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER.

(APPLAUSE)

JACK:      Rochester, I’m just ready to do a play.. What do you want?

ROCH:      WELL BOSS, DON’T GET MAD, BUT I BROKE ONE OF YOUR GOLF CLUBS.

JACK:      Broke one of my golf clubs!  Rochester, you had work to do.  Why did you go out and play golf?

ROCH:      I DIDN’T GO OUT.  I USED YOUR GOLF CLUBS TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.

JACK:      Now that’s ridiculous.  How could you use golf clubs to clean house?

ROCH:      EASY.  I WRAPPED RAGS AROUND THE DRIVER AND USED IT TO MOP THE FLOORS.

JACK:      What?

ROCH:      I DID THE KITCHEN IN FIVE STROKES, THE PANTRY IN FOUR, I HAD TROUBLE IN THE HALL, BUT COMING THROUGH THE DEN I WAS THREE UNDER PAR.

JACK:      Well, if there’s any way of making play out of work, you’ll find it.  I’m surprised you didn’t try this little trick of yours in the living room.

ROCH:      I WANTED TO, BUT THAT DUST ON THE PIANO IS WORSE THAN A SAND TRAP.

JACK:      That I know.

ROCH:      HEE HEE HEE HEE.

JACK:      What are you laughing at?

ROCH:      MR. BEN HOGAN SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME THIS MORNING.

JACK:      Why?

ROCH:      I CHIPPED AN APPLE CORE FROM YOUR BEDROOM RIGHT INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

JACK:      Say, that’s pretty…Wait a minute.. from my bedroom, you’ve got to turn right in the library, and then go through the dining room to get to the kitchen.. so how could you do that?

ROCH:      I’VE GOT A NATURAL SLICE.

JACK:      Rochester, I don’t care what you’ve got…just leave my golf clubs alone.

GIRL:      (SEXY)  Rochester, honey, hang up that phone and let’s finish the game.

JACK:      Rochester, who was that?

ROCH:      MY CADDY.

JACK:      Now cut that out!.. Rochester, I’ll be home in about an hour.. so you better have dinner ready.

ROCH:      YES SIR.. GOODBYE.

JACK:      Goodbye.

ROCH:      OH SAY, BOSS..

JACK:      Now what?

ROCH:      THAT CHECK YOU GAVE ME LAST WEEK THAT HAD MY FIRST RAISE IN SALARY BOUNCED.

JACK:       Oh for heaven’s sakes, what was wrong?  Improper signature?

ROCH:      NO.

JACK:      Insufficient funds?

ROCH:      NO.

JACK:      Then what was wrong?

ROCH:      THEY JUST WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT.

JACK:      Oh.. well, we’ll have it notarized, don’t worry…Goodbye.

ROCH:      GOOOOOODBYYYYYE!

(APPLAUSE)

SFX 03  Hang up handset 

JACK:      Funny how a bank account can get so messed up… Go ahead, Don, announce the play.

DON:      Okay…Curtain.. Music.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYS SOFTLY “RULE BRITTANIA”)

DON:      (VERY DRAMATICALLY)  IN THE YEAR OF EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND SEVEN, WHEN NAPOLEON’S VICTORIOUS ARMIES SWEPT ACROSS CONTINENTAL EUROPE, ALL THAT KEPT THE CONQUERING CORSICAN FROM DOMINATING THE ENTIRE WORLD WAS ENGLAND’S GALLANT NAVY!

(MUSIC UP A BIT..THEN DOWN SOFT AS DON PAUSES A COUPLE OF SECONDS)

DON:      ONE OF ENGLAND’S SMALLER SHIPS WAS THE LYDIA, A WOODEN SAILING VESSEL CARRYING ONLY THIRTY-TWO CANNON..

(MUSIC OUT)

DON:      BUT MAKING UP FOR WHAT SHE LACKED IN FIRE POWER, WAS THE BRAVERY, WISDOM, SEAMANSHIP AND DARING OF HER COMMANDER…CAPTAIN HORATIO HORNBLOWER.

JACK:      That’s me.

DENNIS:      Naturally.

JACK:      Quiet, Dennis…Continue, Don.

(MUSIC IN AGAIN SOFTLY)

DON:         AS OUR STORY OPENS, THE LYDIA, SAILING UNDER SEALED ORDERS, LIES BECALMED IN THE PACIFIC.  FOR SEVEN MONTHS SHE HAS SAILED WITHOUT SIGHTING LAND.. SHE HAS RIDDEN THROUGH SQUALLS AND STORMY SEAS, BUT NOW SHE IS IN THE GRIP OF THE SAILING MAN’S WORST ENEMY.. THE DOLDRUMS.

(MUSIC OUT)

                  RIGHT NOW..WITH THE AIR DEAD CALM, THE MEN ARE OUT IN BOATS TRYING TO TOW THE LYDIA INTO A WIND.

SFX 04  Wooden ship creak    (Twist turnbuckles of sfx door to

                                                  stress hinges for creaky door sound)

 

SFX 05  Rowing     (A frame of several 1x4 “Paddles” in Splash Tank?)

                                    (SOUND:  CREAKING OF LARGE WOODEN BATTLESHIP IN CALM WATERS.. WE HEAR ROWING IN RHYTHM OF “HEAVE”)

QUART:    (IN RHYTHM)  HEAVE…….HEAVE……HEAVE……HEAVE……HEAVE…... HEAVE…… (CONTINUE AND FADE TO BACKGROUND)

PHIL:         It’s no use, Captain Hornblower.. the men have been rowing for twelve straight hours, and yet they can’t tow us into a breeze.

JACK:      Yes, Mate, and I don’t know what to do.. Here I am.. the most brilliant captain in the King’s Navy, and I don’t know how to get the boat moving.

DON:      Captain, I have a suggestion that might help the boat to move.

JACK:      What is it?

DON:         Pull up the anchor.

JACK:       All right, if you think it will help.. (SIGHS)  Those poor devils.. breaking their backs to tow the boats.. I feel sorry for them.

PHIL:      Don’t worry, Captain.. they’re English sailors.. they can take it.

JACK:       I know, Mate.. but they’ve gone without a drink of water for twenty-six days.

PHIL:         So what, I know a left-handed guitar player who ain’t never tasted the stuff.

JACK:       Oh yes, I’ve heard of him.. Lord Remley… Stout Fellow.

SFX 06   Chains    (Get some heavy chains & experiment)

SFX 07   Anchor   (Large heavy steel item – drop on wooden platform)

                                    (SOUND:  HEAVY CHAINS AND SOUND OF ANCHOR BEING PULLED UP AND DROPPED ABOARD SHIP)

DON:         The anchor is up, sir.

JACK:      Good…Mate, tell the rowers to redouble their efforts.

PHIL:      Okay…(YELLS) HEY YOUSE GUYS, HARDER.

SFX 08  Rowing faster    (“Paddles” in splash tank)

                                    (SOUND:  WE HEAR SLIGHTLY FASTER ROWING IN RHYTHM TO “HEAVE”)

QUART:      (FASTER THAN BEFORE)  HEAVE….HEAVE….HEAVE….HEAVE….

JACK:      Look at them.. Well might Napoleon fear the likes of them.. They’ve gone without fresh fruit for a year.. without bread for seven months… without water for days… and for six whole weeks they haven’t heard “Come On A My House.” ….. Stout fellows.

DON:      You’re right, Captain.. that’s why I’m afraid the men might mutiny…They haven’t touched land for nearly a year…They’re going crazy for the sight of a woman.

JACK:      Why?

PHIL:      You wouldn’t understand.

DENNIS:      Naturally.

JACK:      Hmm…Well look, Men, we---Hark!

SFX 09  Little wind   (Vocal effect by Ray or Charlie or both)

                              (SOUND:  LITTLE WIND)

JACK:       A breeze, a breeze!.. By the great horn spoon, we’ve whistled us up a wind.. Call the men back to the ship, Wilson.

DON:      Aye aye, sir.. (CALLS) BACK TO THE SHIP, MEN!

JACK:      Look out, Wilson, don’t get too close to the edge or you will—

SFX 10  SPLASH!   (Splash Tank:  Try 2 gallon milk jugs full of water)

!!!  We will need a huge plastic tarp to dam off the Splash Tank area!

                              (SOUND:  TERRIFIC SPLASH)

JACK:       He did.

PHIL:      MAN OVERBOARD

JACK:      Good, good.

PHIL:      Look, Captain, he’s swimming for it.. Come on, Wilson, a few more strokes and—Captain.. look at that man eating shark!

JACK:      Yeah.. Look at that man eating that shark…Good man, Wilson.. Stout fellow.

DON:      (YELLING FROM DISTANCE)  I’m only stuffing myself for you!

JACK:      Never mind.. Climb aboard, Wilson.

SFX 11  Wind in the sails   (Large bed sheet flap – 4 hands needed)

                              (SOUND:  WIND IN THE SAILS)

 

!!!  Restore the SFX Door to normal non-squeaky setup!

 

PHIL:         The wind is holding steady, Captain.

JACK:      Yes, we’re moving right along.

MEL:      (OFF)  CAPTAIN HORNBLOWER, CAPTAIN HORNBLOWER.

JACK:      WHAT IS IT?

MEL:      THERE’S A SHIP OFF THE PORTSIDE.

PHIL:      What kind of ship can be in these waters, Captain?

JACK:       I don’t know, Mate, but I’ll see…Hand me your glass.

PHIL:      Here you are, sir.

JACK:       Not that one, the one you look through…That’s better.

DON:      What does she look like, Captain?

JACK:       She flies the French flag, but she’s no man of war…It looks like a small sailing vessel…She’ll soon surrender…mate, clear the decks for action.

PHIL:      (CALLS)  CLEAR THE DECK FOR ACTION.

JACK:      Now fire a shot across her bow.

PHIL:       ONE SHOT ACROSS THE BOW ... FIRE.

SFX 12  Cannon    (Egads! Can we get a carbide cannon???)

SFX 13  Cannonball on deck   (Drop bowling ball on stage)

JACK:       What happened?

PHIL:         The wind was against us, sir.

JACK:       Oh.

PHIL:       Shall I fire another shot, Captain?

JACK:       No need for that, she's running up the white flag. Send a boat over and bring back the prisoners. I'll be in my cabin.

PHIL:      Aye aye, sir.

(TRANSITION MUSIC “RULE BRITTANIA”)

SFX 14  Door knock  

JACK:      COME IN.

SFX 15  Door open

PHIL:         It’s me, sir…I have the captain of the French ship.  And, sir, they were carrying a woman passenger.

JACK:       A woman, eh?  Well, bring the captain in, I want to question him first.

DENNIS:      Naturally.

JACK:      You stay out of this…Bring him in, Mate.

PHIL:      Come on, in with you.

SFX 16  Feet scuffle   (On the table or on the floor?)

NOTE:  Charlie may be doing Mel’s lines.

JACK:       So you’re the captain of the French ship?

MEL:      Oui.

JACK:      And you sailed from the port of Marseille?

MEL:      Oui.

JACK:      And your ship is unarmed?

MEL:      Oui.

JACK:      And you’re carrying a woman aboard?

MEL:      Oui.

JACK:      What does the woman look like?

MEL:      Wow.

JACK:      Wow?

MEL:      Oui.

JACK:      Well, I won’t bother with him…throw him in irons.. I’ll question the woman.. Where is she?

PHIL:      She’s up on deck.

JACK:      Well, let’s go up and talk to her.

SFX 17  Door opens

SFX 18  Footsteps clumping

SFX 19  Breeze in sails    (Large sheet flap)

PHIL:      There she is, Captain.

JACK:      Good, I’ll talk to her in French… (CLEARS THROAT…THEN LOUDLY)  Mademoiselle.. Je wantez.. parlez… avec… vous.

MARY:      (FRIENDLY)  Hello, Captain.

JACK:      Wait a minute.. you speak English.

MARY:      I am English.

JACK:      Then how did you happen to be the only woman on a French ship?

MARY:      I won the trip on a quiz program.

JACK:       On a quiz program?  What was the question they asked you?

MARY:      “Would you like to go?”

JACK:      Then your answer was “yes”.

DENNIS:      Naturally.

JACK:      Hm.. Wait a minute, Miss.. your face is familiar.. Who are you?

MARY:      (HAUGHTILY)  I sir, am Lady Barbara.. Sister of the Duke of Wellington, Daughter of the Earl of Glouscester, Neice of the King of England, and salesgirl of the May of Company.

JACK:      Gosh, royalty.  Permit me to welcome you aboard the Lydia, your ladyship.

SFX 20  Men muttering (Cast & SFX Crew)

PHIL:      Captain, you’d better get her ladyship down below decks.

JACK:       Eh?  What’s that?

PHIL:         It’s the men, sir.  I’m afraid they might mutiny.

JACK:      Mutiny, eh?  I’ll speak to their leader.

SFX 21  Footsteps – Jack walks 3 steps

JACK:       (A LA LAUGHTON AS CAPTAIN BLIGH)  Mutiny against me, will you… Come heah, Mr. Christian.. I’ll see you hanging from the highest yard arm in the British...

MARY:      (INTERRUPTING) That’s a different picture.

JACK:       Oh yes…Now men, disperse, or I’ll have you all flogged.

SFX 22  Muttering    (Cast & SFX Crew)

JACK:      Don’t worry, your lady-ship.. you’re safe with me.

MARY:      Naturally.

JACK:      Thank you, your lady-ship.

MARY:      Don’t be so formal, Horatio.. call me Barbara.

JACK:      Thank you.

PHIL:         On behalf of the officers, Barbara, I’d like to say that we’re all glad to have you aboard at this time…just before Christmas.

MARY:      Thank you.

PHIL:      And if you’re a good girl, I’m sure that on Christmas Day you’ll get something from Santa—Barbara…. Ha ha ha ha ha.. Oh, Matey, Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep but you’re awake every minute.

JACK:      Hmmm.. Anyway, Your Ladyship.. the first mate will—

DON:      (OFF)  SHIP OFF THE STARBOARD BOW.

MARY:      Another ship.. what kind is it?

JACK:       I don’t know, but I’ll soon see… Mate, hand me your glass.

SFX 23  Glass – pour soda water from bottle into small glass  (“Beer”)

PHIL:      Here you are, sir.   

JACK:       I told you not that one!  (pause)  That’s better…Now let’s see…Ey heavens, she’s a Spanish Galleon.

PHIL:      Good, that’s a quart for each of us.

JACK:      Quiet…She’s putting out a small boat.. And look.. standing in the prow of the boat is El Supremo.

MARY:      El Supremo!

JACK:      Yes.. they’re heading this way.


DON:      Captain, El Supremo’s boat is almost alongside of us.

JACK:      Mate prepare to fire an eleven gun salute in El Supremo’s honor and ready to pipe him aboard.

PHIL:      Aye aye, sir…PIPE, READY…GUNS, FIRE.

SFX 24  Gunshots – 11    (Can we get 2 six-shooters?) (Cap gun???)

DENNIS:      (ARROGANT SPANISH MEXICAN)  Wheech one of your commoners is the Capitan?

JACK:       I am, El Supremo.

DENNIS:      When you saw me approach, you fired an eleven gun salute?

JACK:      That’s right…I hope you liked it.

DENNIS:      (RAVING)  LIKE IT…PEEG…I AM EENSULTED…I AM EL SUPREMO…I AM ACCUSTOMED TO A TWENTY-THREE GUN SALUTE.

JACK:       But El Supremo…my king only gets a twenty-one gun salute.

DENNIS:      Your keeng?  Who is your keeng?

JACK:      Richard Hyde.

DENNIS:      …Well, he deserves it…Now who are these other commoners?

JACK:      They are members of my crew, sir…and this is Lady Barbara Wellington.

MARY:      Hello, El Supremo.

DENNIS:      Come here my leetle peegeon,…I will kiss your hand.

                        (DENNIS TAKES MARY IN HIS ARMS – KISSES HER ON THE MOUTH)

JACK:      Wait a minute, El Supremo.  Lady Barbara gave you her hand…why did you kiss her on the lips?

DENNIS:   I ad leeb.

JACK:       Oh, you did, eh?.. But you can’t—

DENNIS:      Quiet, commoner!  One so lowly as yourself does not speak directly to El Supremo…If you have anything to say, discuss it with my prime minister over there.

JACK:       Yes sir.

SFX 25  Footsteps - 3              

NOTE: Charlie may be doing Mel’s lines

 

JACK:      Excuse me…are you El Supremo’s Prime Minister?

MEL:         Si.

JACK:       I understand that El Supremo holds his prisoners for ransom.

MEL:         Si.

JACK:      And the ransom is a thousand bushels of beans.

MEL:         Si.

JACK:      What kind of beans?

MEL:      Soy.

JACK:      Soy?

MEL:         Si.

JACK:      What’s your name?

MEL:         Mel Blanc.

JACK:       Mel Blanc?

MEL:         Si.

JACK:       Si?

MEL:         Mel C. Blanc.

JACK:      What does the “C” stand for?

MEL:         Cy.

JACK:      Cy?

MEL:         Si.

JACK:      Well, he doesn’t scare me.  I think El Supremo is a yellow dog.

DENNIS:   I heard that, peeg!…For these, you die…Draw your sword.

JACK:       All right…Stand back everyone… En Guard.

SFX 26  Swordfight    (Charlie has ONE bayonet!)

DENNIS:      Aha…the Eengleesh Captain is a foe worthy of my blade.

JACK:      You’re right…I’m Captain Horatio Hornblower, England’s greatest swordsman.

SFX:      STOP swords      

JACK:      TAKE THAT… (GRUNTS)

MARY:      (SCREAMS)

SFX 27  Body Thud  (Pratfall on wood platform?)

JACK:      Oops, sorry, Lady Barbara…Come on, El Supremo.

SFX 28  Swordfight 

DENNIS:            Nobody lives to eensult El Supremo.

JACK:       Oh yeah…I’ve got you cornered…There.

SFX:      STOP swords

PHIL:      (SCREAMS)

SFX 29  Body Thud            

JACK:      Hmm…I’ll miss my first mate…But I’ll get you yet, El Supremo.

SFX 30  Swordfight               

DENNIS:      Prepare to die, peeg…your end is near.

JACK:       Oh yeah…first you’ll taste the coldness of my steel…

SFX:     STOP swords

JACK:        THERE!

DON:      (SCREAMS)

SFX 31  Body Thud            

JACK:      Ooops, got Wilson.

DENNIS:      Heem you could hardly mees…Well, that’s all…I surrender…I am your prisoner.

JACK:      Why are you surrendering…you haven’t even been hurt.

DENNIS:      There are only two of us left…

JACK:       Oh, you’re a coward.

DENNIS:      Naturally.

JACK:      ALL RIGHT, MEN…LET THE WIND TAKE HER…WE’RE HEADED HOME FOR ENGLAND.

(MUSIC:  “RULE BRITTANIA” UP FULL, CROSS FADE TO CLOSING THEME)

(APPLAUSE)